Bind & CrEATe

One of the areas I’ve had to navigate this week is baking in a new kitchen. I’ve found it more refreshing than anything. The space appears smaller, but I actually think there is more counter room at BF’s place than mine. Therefore, it allowed me to spread my materials out a little more and take my time preparing these delicious strawberry-banana muffins. I adapted the recipe from Joy the Baker’s Brown Butter Banana Strawberry Bread.

I thought I may dislike this strawberry on top (especially after it baked), but I found it to be a nice touch. If you’re following WW, these muffins are 3 points+ each if you can 24 out of the batter like I did. BF is quite excited about eating these as a snack/for breakfast/whenever, and I am happy to have someone with which to share my baked goods!

I’m trying to master various forms of muffins or breads. Any suggestions? I’ve cooked a bunch of banana bread & banana muffins, along with zucchini-inspired goods. This is the first time I’ve ever incorporated strawberries. Now I’m looking for something else – any suggestions? I know I could go the blueberry or blackberry route, but I’m not a huge fan of those types.

BF actually had no baking ingredients in his home whatsoever. Not even baking cups or measuring spoons. I picked up some cheap materials & cheap baked goods – all for under $10. Now his house is stocked and ready for any baking action that may take place. Perhaps brownies might be next on my list?

What are you baking these days? Any suggestions on a new type of muffin I can make?

Last night I made a very simple meal using ingredients I had on hand. Spaghetti squash with garlic tomato sauce, mushrooms, chickpeas and a bit of parmesan cheese. After a weight-lifting session + quick jog on the treadmill, this is exactly what I needed in terms of sustenance.

The meal fit in perfectly with my Weight Watchers plan. I love that certain vegetables (like squash!) are zero points. This program has really helped jumpstart my love for fruits & vegetables again. I find myself consistently reaching for them in terms of snacks now. However, the program hasn’t been able to curb my appetite for frozen yogurt late at night.

Does that plate or background look familiar? No? Well, that’s because I’m staying with my boyfriend this week as an experiment. I’m not sure who spurred the idea, but we thought it would be a good idea for me to “move in” temporarily and see what it was like to live together. I plan on staying Sunday through Sunday. I’ve packed 7 outfits, food to last a week and other essentials like crafts, books, and my computer. Of course, this is a test for many reasons. 1. Can we tolerate each other on a daily basis? 2. Can I handle a slightly longer commute and “living” in a different neighborhood? 3. Can I live in an apartment again? (after living in half a house for more than two years). And I’m sure other questions will arise.

I’ll report back what I’ve learned after the week concludes. Suffice it to say that I think this experiment will be pretty helpful in terms of learning one another’s habits. For example, last night BF came home bounding with energy after work – at nearly 10 p.m. We work different shifts, so we’d more than likely have to navigate that. I got to bed too late and, as a result, I am feeling a bit sluggish today at work. Things to figure out. All in due time.

Have you ever done an experiment like this?

Thanks to so many of you who commented on my post yesterday. It wasn’t necessarily intended to sound as sad as it did (I have a bad habit with this – I guess), so I wanted to clarify just a tad. To summarize: although the process of understanding one’s self can be painful, it is also incredibly rewarding, and I’m thankful for the insight it’s given me over these past few weeks. I’m going to keep chugging through it, even if I cry more than usual (after all, releasing is necessary!)

Last night I sat down to master origami by way of paper stars. I saw a tutorial on Pinterest that would help me make something beautiful, like this:

[source]

I tried three different times to achieve this star. I failed after each attempt. I’m not sure what the issue was, but I felt like my brain couldn’t connect with the directions. I studied the pictures and words in depth but still kept getting stuck. I was at it for nearly an hour, with this as my final product:

Of course, this is a metaphor. An age-old adage. Sometimes the best laid plans can go awry. I’m not sure what to blame in this scenario. Maybe the directions were hard to understand. Maybe I was too fatigued to understand them. Or maybe I wasn’t patient enough and needed to spend more time on the project (though I actually was more careful during this process than other DIY projects).

Like so much of my life, I took the moment as a lesson. It seems as if the universe has been trying to tell me to loosen up a bit, plan a little less, have random fun more. Sometimes it seems that life has a way of rearranging my expectations for me, and I am defiant of that. Like, what I want can’t be achieved right now, so I throw a temper tantrum & try & rush things. Then, I go back to my word for the year and remember: I need to be more patient, aware, and accept “failures” like the crafty paper star. Even though most of my crafts seem to come together in the end, not all will. The plans for my life – those ones I have in my head for myself – they will either happen or they can’t (right now), but they will probably happen if I want them enough. Every day I can choose to try and see where it takes me. But once in a while, it will go absolutely nowhere.

Unless it’s written about on a blog or something.

[xoxo to all of you who keep on reading this sappy, going on-and-on text I write. It helps me to know that I'm 1. not alone and 2. not crazy.]

I can’t stop reading this notecard. Sometimes – and I love when this happens – I stumble upon a series of just really beautiful words. Words that flow together so seamlessly that I can’t help but wish I had written them. Words that remind me of words I have actually written (but not as wonderfully). It reminds me of the writer I used to be, how I’ve changed, and how I must consistently strive to improve.

Sometimes I wonder how the body is capable of all of these things in which we do. Exercise:the way one pushes him/herself to an unimaginable limit – running for nearly 6 hours or performing three sports in one event, like a triathlon. The food: the garbage we can sometimes ingest, and somehow – we still function okay, we get by. Feelings: those that eat at us the most – the longing, the missing & wishing, that occasional hurt & happiness. Love: it’s a hard thing sometimes, familial, romantic, whichever. It can be so hard to understand but so wonderful to enjoy.

I like the idea of us as humans who have broken strings. No one is tied together quite nicely. As my friend Kelly said last night, “the ending is just wrapped up too well.” No one really likes a pretty bow; we all enjoy an unfinished end, really. It’s more exciting. I’m starting to get behind that notion quite well —

I’ve been having a series of mini-meltdowns over the past few weeks. I’m chalking it up to the broken strings within me. I’m not sure where they come from, but they often happen in short bursts, and they end quickly. Just when I become stable & settled, I also begin feeling restless. It must be inevitable. I’ve come to realize that I’ll probably never know what I want to do with my life (in terms of profession) & that should probably just be okay for now. I’m just hoping eventually it will all become more clear.

I’ve been seeing a therapist now for more than two months. I think this has something to do with the meltdowns. Before it can get better, it must get worse. This is how I see what’s happened: imagine the way you used to look at yourself and your life. Now, you need glasses. You buy those glasses (they are cute), and when you put them on, everything looks so unbelievably clear that it hurts. It is blindingly bright & bold & you wonder why you never quite pictured it like that before. You don’t even want to open your eyes, but you have to, or you will never move forward. Avoidance, ignoring – it just doesn’t work quite like it used to. This brightness is apparent in every moment, every word, every thought now. It feels incredibly unnerving, but you know this means you’re getting better.

This is where I’m at.

It’s been a while since I’ve had a nakedly honest post on here. But that’s why I started this blog. Sometimes I fear getting these words down, that they might trigger someone else, or reveal too much of myself. But I accept these strings of myself. Afterall, they are what keeps me bound together (sometimes a little too tightly).

[Imagine: I actually sat down to write this post because I wanted to give you an update on my progress with Weight Watchers. This is what came out instead. I've lost 3 lbs, and I still eat ice cream. I feel okay.]

The last time I saw my grandfather, his hands were puffy. Water-logged, they said. He was shaking but still smiling. We had just blown into the house, the BF and I, around 10 p.m. on Christmas Day – just this past year, exhausted and stressed over the car breaking down just two blocks down the hill. He said my name with the same ring he always used. It felt comfortable, despite the way he looked.

Now, I’m heading home to say goodbye to a great man. Yes, you read correctly: a great man, my grandfather (not my frail grandmother, who – by the way – is more stable) but my stepmother’s father, who has been battling cancer for years. Even though he is technically my “step grandfather” I never felt that way because he never let me.

Now, I’m realizing why I fear February. The suffering. The cold. For some reason, both things always come at once during this month.

If you say prayers, please do so. If you send thoughts, I’d appreciate. I promise to come back with happier things in March. Sooner, if I’m lucky.