I can’t stop reading this notecard. Sometimes – and I love when this happens – I stumble upon a series of just really beautiful words. Words that flow together so seamlessly that I can’t help but wish I had written them. Words that remind me of words I have actually written (but not as wonderfully). It reminds me of the writer I used to be, how I’ve changed, and how I must consistently strive to improve.
Sometimes I wonder how the body is capable of all of these things in which we do. Exercise:the way one pushes him/herself to an unimaginable limit – running for nearly 6 hours or performing three sports in one event, like a triathlon. The food: the garbage we can sometimes ingest, and somehow – we still function okay, we get by. Feelings: those that eat at us the most – the longing, the missing & wishing, that occasional hurt & happiness. Love: it’s a hard thing sometimes, familial, romantic, whichever. It can be so hard to understand but so wonderful to enjoy.
I like the idea of us as humans who have broken strings. No one is tied together quite nicely. As my friend Kelly said last night, “the ending is just wrapped up too well.” No one really likes a pretty bow; we all enjoy an unfinished end, really. It’s more exciting. I’m starting to get behind that notion quite well —
I’ve been having a series of mini-meltdowns over the past few weeks. I’m chalking it up to the broken strings within me. I’m not sure where they come from, but they often happen in short bursts, and they end quickly. Just when I become stable & settled, I also begin feeling restless. It must be inevitable. I’ve come to realize that I’ll probably never know what I want to do with my life (in terms of profession) & that should probably just be okay for now. I’m just hoping eventually it will all become more clear.
I’ve been seeing a therapist now for more than two months. I think this has something to do with the meltdowns. Before it can get better, it must get worse. This is how I see what’s happened: imagine the way you used to look at yourself and your life. Now, you need glasses. You buy those glasses (they are cute), and when you put them on, everything looks so unbelievably clear that it hurts. It is blindingly bright & bold & you wonder why you never quite pictured it like that before. You don’t even want to open your eyes, but you have to, or you will never move forward. Avoidance, ignoring – it just doesn’t work quite like it used to. This brightness is apparent in every moment, every word, every thought now. It feels incredibly unnerving, but you know this means you’re getting better.
This is where I’m at.
It’s been a while since I’ve had a nakedly honest post on here. But that’s why I started this blog. Sometimes I fear getting these words down, that they might trigger someone else, or reveal too much of myself. But I accept these strings of myself. Afterall, they are what keeps me bound together (sometimes a little too tightly).
[Imagine: I actually sat down to write this post because I wanted to give you an update on my progress with Weight Watchers. This is what came out instead. I've lost 3 lbs, and I still eat ice cream. I feel okay.]