Bind & CrEATe

You can tell whether I’m really happy or really down based on my posting schedule. Lately, it’s been on the down, perhaps even anxious, side. So that means I don’t blog. Thankfully, most things in life are temporary: especially moods, feelings, and thoughts. It’s pretty cool to think about how much control we have over our own minds. It’s just making the choice to actually control it. Nevertheless, I am slowly pulling myself out of an anxious time period. And I am extremely thankful for my good friends, loving family, and all of the random wonderful people who pop up in unexpected places.

Last week, Cat and I had a Tuesday night wine session. These have been happening more frequently, and I’m sort of in love with it. I think I made these enchiladas that night, but now I don’t even remember.

This is a Weight Watchers friendly recipe, though I have been off plan for about two weeks. I’m still losing weight, so I must have learned something in that process. Nevertheless, I think wine nights are going to become a regular fixture until June when Cat moves out. I think we are both now mourning the change that’s about to happen. Of course, it’s wonderful & good & all of that. But it is still a change, of which we will still feel the weight of one another’s absence. I am just thankful she’s (literally) moving a house away, and not states away. She will still be in my backyard, and I in hers. Change can be scary and beautiful at once.

I did a reading last week at an art gallery in Pittsburgh. I read about 10 short-short stories, or prose-poems, whatever you want to call them. They were well received and, in fact, an editor from a literary journal asked me if they could publish a piece in the fall. I think that was the easiest publication I’ve received. I racked myself with anxiety in the days leading up the reading because I felt unprepared. I was also nervous about seeing lots of people I haven’t seen in a while. But of course – like everything in life – it all went well and here I am with an upcoming publication to boot.

My half marathon is also fast-approaching. Maybe now you can see why I’ve been so nervous lately. All of the 10 weeks have training have led to this, and although I’m confident I can successfully beat my last half marathon time, I am still worried about logistics: getting there, finding my friend, mentally getting through over two hours of running. Crossing the finish line. Wish me luck.

This week I’ve decided to start harnessing some things that have been missing in my life. I’m buying tickets for concerts, looking into a photography class, brainstorming a crafting project with a friend, and thinking about changing my career. Yep, that’s a lot. But of course I am doing this. I am also my most active when I am anticipating change

Love and light to all of you out there. Take care of yourself this week.

I’ve been doing all sorts of heavy thinking lately. Serious life-changing kinds of thinking. Honestly, I’ve been feeling pretty “meh” for a bit. I haven’t quite been able to pinpoint the root of this discomfort; I just know it exists. It’s not that epic kind of sadness where I only lay on the couch, depressed. It’s something different. It’s sort of a void feeling. An emptiness. I used to think it was loneliness, but now I know differently. It’s more a feeling of a lack of fulfillment. And the only person who can change that is me.

I thought the year after I moved to Pittsburgh was the year of chaos. Lots of uncertainty in that year. I made new relationships with others, and I indulged in some pretty destructive patterns/behaviors. There was lots of drama that year. I was really involved in other people’s lives. It’s only now that I realize I was just trying to cover up my sadness after a big change. Those actions were only holding me back from the clearer picture. In the moment, those things felt good and seemed to make me happier. But really all they did was mask the self-work I needed to do.

Even though this is the year of patience, I’m starting to realize this is the chaos year as well. Perhaps the two coincide. Regardless, I have a lot of work to do. I could have gone through the chaos year much sooner if I had faced it head-on, but instead I ignored it, exhibiting the same behaviors and hang-ups I’ve always had: negative self-talk, projection into others’ lives, the need to be loved to feel secure. It’s only now that I’m seeing I need to work on these things so I can take the next step in my life. I am the one who holds the power to make myself happy.

I believe part of me thought that if I could recreate parts of my old life, I would be happy again. If I got a job at a university again, I’d be happy. If I started crafting more, I’d be happy. If I was part of a creative writing group & did readings, I’d be happy. The problem with that rationale is that I can never really recreate the past. I am different now than I was at the beginning of my graduate program. I am in a different place. I am surrounded by different people. My life is just different. The things that once used to move me don’t feel the same way.

Everything in my life has changed – except for me. I’ve been clinging so hard to what used to bring me happiness that I’m not even sure what brings me joy today. And, for clarity, what I’m really talking about is: what is my passion in this world? And what is is that I really want to do?

I am certainly proud of myself for all that I’ve accomplished, and I love my partner, friends & family to the ends of the earth. Those things all bring me joy. There are common threads throughout my life that I will continue: a healthy life, being creative, and writing. Those things have always brought me happiness, and I think they will continue to do so. But I think I want to explore other opportunities and see how that makes me feel. I want to feel accomplished with each day. I want to make choices for myself. And I want to learn how to break bad habits and move past my fears.

This is the period of chaos after a change. But this kind of chaos won’t be destructive. I am welcoming the chaos and the dust that’s been moved at my feet. Now begins my journey of true self-exploration. I hope you’ll join me.

At my last appointment with my therapist, she told me that I needed to stop being so hard on myself. I sort of laughed it off in the moment. I guess I didn’t really believe her. I have high expectations for myself. I have plenty of goals. In order to achieve them, don’t I have to be hard on myself to a degree? Before I left, she reiterated the phrase and said: “Anytime you feel bad this week, you just remind remember what I said. You don’t need to be so hard on yourself.” Today, I’m learning just exactly how to put that into practice.

Being unkind to myself looks something like this: letting another person’s words, actions, or tone affect me so much. I don’t have control over that. Letting a change in plans or a new work project stress me out. I don’t have control over that either. But I think the biggest thing is consistently feeling like I’m not good enough, which crops up a little too much.

Last night, I went to see my older brother do standup comedy at a bar in Pittsburgh. The experience reminded me of how gutsy and ballsy he can be. When he got on stage, it didn’t look like he was worried, anxious, or didn’t feel good enough. He got up with confidence, told a few jokes, and exited with a smile.

I decided in the moment that I wanted to steal some of that energy. That I wanted to bottle up that smile and save it for a day where I was feeling unconfident in my person. Sure enough, I had a moment of uncertainty this afternoon, where I beat myself up for acting “crazy” even though I was justified in my actions.

I learned today that it is really hard for me to be kind to myself. I didn’t think that was the case. I thought I took care of myself fully, that I was uplifting to myself and positive. But I’m learning that I still harbor a lot of negative emotions about the way I am sometimes when I should instead be embracing it. Have I learned nothing from writing all of these posts that explore parts of myself and the world? If anything, I can say that I’m a hard worker and learner. It seems like it’d be better to remind myself of that in the moment, rather than how “crazy” or “emotional” I can be (and even that, to a degree, is out of my control).

I don’t really know what it is I’m truly trying to say in this post. I think I just needed to remind myself to be more kind. Maybe I am supposed to remind you of that today, too. You know that thing someone said that you took the wrong way? As a friend recently pointed out – that’s not the friend that’s saying it. She or he is just holding up a mirror to your insecurities. That’s really the words you are speaking inside. Those are the words in which you need to get a handle and let go.

Today I choose to be patient with myself and the rest of the world. Today I choose to put down the mirror and move forward.

I’ve been a bit of a crank lately (due to a lack of sleep) and I’ve been spending a lot of times indoors. I even canceled a work meeting because I didn’t feel like walking. But yesterday after work, I gave myself a pep talk on the way home. You are going to relax and forget about the rest of the world. You are going to enjoy the outside. Whatever I did, I wanted to practice some escapism and so, I started cooking. Then, my roommate joined, and we both were cooking & talking. Then, it turned into an hour in the backyard.

Perhaps we’re slow moving, but we’ve only just now dusted off the porch furniture and set something up. (Pittsburgh has finicky weather that you can’t always trust.) I can’t tell you what this step felt like. It was like a renewal. As if we were saying: winter you are no longer coming. You are gone for now. I can’t tell you how many conversations I’ve had on this back patio, how many epiphanies I’ve realized, how many thoughts I’ve kept only to myself that were actualized here.

We poured ourselves some wine, and I was immediately transplanted (escapism = check!). Memories made. New ones hiding in the soil. I’m so excited to see the way the backyard will liven up as spring progresses. I think there are many more back patio sitting nights in the future, and I’m really happy about that.

While we sipped on wine, our enchiladas were cooking in the oven. I used this recipe, and it was fantastic. I made a few tweaks, but the recipe was essentially the same. My favorite part about making this was how we let it sit out while we finished our wine. You know it’s a good conversation when you’re hungry, there’s food waiting, but you’d rather finish your conversation (and wine) first.

Yesterday, I gave myself the red plate. The red plate was a gift given to me by a former coworker. You only receive one, so it is mixed among your other, regular-colored plates. Whenever someone has a special accomplishment, they get the red plate at dinnertime. It’s sort of like an award for an award. Recognition of sorts. I used the red plate because I needed a pick-me-up. I felt like I’ve been too hard on myself lately, and I needed a little pat on the back. It worked.

After dinner, I plunged into some other activities to help me escape and finally, FINALLY, I went to bed early. I feel like myself for the first time all week & it’s such a happy feeling.

Hope you’ve been unplugging, unwinding, and relaxing in your own way this week. It is necessary & important!

I’ve been told on more than one occasion that I’m a busy person.

I can’t deny that I have extreme ADHD when it comes to hobbies. I’m often flitting from one hobby to another based on my inspiration or creativity that day. The same goes for social interaction in regards to friends, family, and coworkers. In fact, this personality trait is the exact reason I started Bind & CrEATe. I didn’t want to be defined by just one thing. I wanted to be defined by the many things that make me a person.

But lately, I’ve been struggling with the word “busy.” Particularly, when someone tells me that I am OMGSOOOOOO busy. I find myself feeling unnerved with the statement “I figured you’d be busy.” First of all, that’s an assumption. No one can see my mental calendar or know what I’m doing. And if a person figured I’d be busy, then why are they asking?

I know that the people who say I’m busy don’t mean it with any disdain. They are just stating a fact. To them, I appear busy. But the truth is, I don’t actually feel that busy, and perhaps that’s my gripe with the statement. I knew I needed to get to the bottom of my sensitivity to the statement so I stopped feeling uneasy by it. Here’s what I’ve come up with:

Being busy is relative phrase. In talking with my roommate, I learned that my version of busy is not going to be another person’s.  A weekend with two nights out and an afternoon spent away was busy to her. To me, it was just normal. I’m chained to my desk all week at work, don’t get to interact with people or places, so of course – I want to get out and do some things with my free time. My roommate deals with screaming children all day long and is constantly on her feet. I’m an extrovert; she’s a bit of an introvert. See the difference? It is all okay!

Admittedly too, I place a lot of deadlines on my life, and it keeps me “busy.” I do this on purpose because I like the feeling of working toward a tangible goal. I don’t know if it’s the German in me, or what, but I feel the need to be productive about 80% of my day. I’m sure a lot of this has to do with the fact that I feel unproductive at work because I sit. (Therefore, I don’t want to sit at home). I “compete” in races, competitions, etc. so that I will be consistently working on something for a length of time. I like a feeling of accomplishment, even if I fail trying.

I actually set up a lot of time to be lazy. My “a lot of time” is probably different than others’. I say “no” often so I can have lazy time. I say “no” to hobbies that aren’t working in the moment, allowing time for something else to flourish. I say “no” to answering the telephone to give myself quiet time. I say “no” to activities or events that I don’t want to go. I say “no” with the right to change my mind if I please. I’ve actually felt really empowered saying no (and spending a night in, watching the Bachelor on repeat . No judgement, please).

Honestly, I don’t feel busy right now because I once had a busier time period in which I could compare the present. I want to say, “You should have seen me three years ago.” Three years ago when I was working full-time, taking two graduate school classes, training for a half marathon and co-teaching a class? Yeah, that was busy. Definitely too busy, and I learned from the experience to have time to rest. 

I’m thankful that I gained exposure to many different tasks as a child, and I think it’s the main reason I don’t sit still well. I was never bored, and life with my dad was blessed with mounds of activity. My dad was a single father and filled up his free time with clubs, activities, friends & family. I don’t remember us lounging around at home that much, but our house certainly felt warm like a home should. We ate meals there, discussed the day with each other, and hosted social events for friends & family. Life was always full.

Add to that a mother who loves heart-to-heart chats and a ton of time spent working on my grandparents’ farm, and you get a consistently-moving person with plenty to say.

And… honestly, I like that person, this being I’ve become. In doing different tasks and having varying hobbies, I feel like I’m completing the puzzle pieces of me. I don’t think my way of life is the best way; that’s not at all what I’m saying here. It’s just the best way for me to feel at my happiest and most whole. I like having things to look forward to (marking up the calendar). I like setting up deadlines so I can stay motivated.

Maybe this all sounds completely nuts to someone, but that’s okay. I’m sure their life might sound completely nuts to me. But nevertheless, I am enjoying this life to the fullest of my abilities & I feel good. I can tell I’m on the right journey for me.