Well, patience has gone and done it again. Reared its ugly head at me. Given me quite the struggle. Challenged me at my highest points. Fought me at the lowest ones. Made me question my self, my life, my love. I wouldn’t have it any other way right now. I’m finally, finally starting to embrace the way things are. It’s just a passionate journey of love and chaos.
The last time I posted about patience, I lost patience with myself for my lack of posting on the subject. Gee whiz. I think I’ve gotten better since then. Instead of beating myself up over all the chaos, I’m trying to find love in all of it. And, the more love I find amidst the wreckage, the better I feel.
For starters, this kriya/meditation is really helping. Today marks Day 12, and I’m still noticing things in a different light. It’s as if I’ve finally received the right prescription and can see the way the world really looks. How my words provoke actions from others. How my silence speaks loudly sometimes. How when I slow, truly slow my body & mind, some wonderful & lovely things start to emerge. Ideas I didn’t know where in there. Feelings of acceptance being born. A giant armless hug wrapping itself around my body.
I’m realizing it’s okay that I’m a passionate person. I want for things. I try and make things happen. I love people & things with all my heart sometimes. I have high expectations of myself and others. I want to capture this life wholeheartedly. I want to be around people who can feel this love, this warmth. I want us all to trudge through the chaos and the muck in love and with passion. I want to constantly feel things. I want to consistently learn.
But here’s the rub – I can’t have all of that. Sometimes, it’s too much to feel like that. I can’t make things happen as I want. Some people won’t accept my love. Those around me might let me down. My life may not always be lovely in the moment. I want always get what I want. I won’t always learn the way I expected.
And that is all 100% okay. I may not believe that it is okay. But it is okay and even good.
In therapy yesterday, my counselor reminded me to be patient about a particular issue I keep bringing up. She told me that over time, things will start to reveal themselves. Upon reflecting and letting that digest, I’ve figured out the only thing I can do is trust. Believe in the universe. Trust those around me. And, more importantly, believe in myself. That maybe – the less I want things, the sooner I can have them.
There is such a power in letting go. I thought I was trusting. But the truth is, my faith has been squashed over the years. I’m not sure how to build it back up, but I know that wishing for things and hoping on a prayer isn’t going to get me what I want. It’s patience that will get me there. God damn you, patience. You’ve gone and done it again. But, this time – I thank you.