Bind & CrEATe

Right now I’m a little on the obsessive side about food. But this is a good thing. It’s not the measure-everything-out and restrict-yourself method. Instead, it’s an awakening in terms of what fuels these limbs.

[Veggie bowl with wilted spinach, 1/2 black beans in olive oil, 1/2 Jennie O Turkey Burger, lots of spices including my favorite right now: cumin]

I’ve been hard on myself over the past few months in terms of eating, and it has resulted in a strange cycle of eating diet and processed foods. It was almost as if I was transplanted back to 2004, when I knew very little about food and just wanted to “lose weight.” Over time, I saw that it just wasn’t working. I lost a bit of weight, but overall I felt pretty crappy. I was tired, sluggish, and easily getting sick. I just didn’t feel like myself.

But something shifted last week. I became more mindful. I looked at the foods lining my cabinet, and I was unhappy with the selections. I thought about all the fresh fruits I hadn’t been eating – and went directly to the store. I remembered the energy I used to channel (both physically and mentally) from cooking right after arriving home from work. I remembered how alive I used to feel when I would research foods and figure out the healthiest way to fuel my body.

So now, I’m trying to follow a more clean style of living. I’m sure I will falter. I’m human. I’m sure there will be days when I wake up and eat cheese sticks and a slice of pizza. My hope, however, is that those days are few. And instead of beating myself up when that happens, I’d like to think about the days I have eaten well. If those days outnumber the “bad,” then I should be just fine.

I fell more in love with my life on Monday.

I was feeling a serious need for “me time.” I’d been running myself ragged since the beginning of July, eating on the fly and hardly moving my body. So, I wandered into the backyard garden to see what had popped up: beans were in abundance, and I picked them in the exact manner I did when I was a child on the farm, tearing off the ends right there in the backyard.

The swiss chard was also out of this world, stretching its leaves across the right side of the garden, almost overtaking the fencing. I picked what I thought would be enough, but wilted greens never produce as much as I hope. I gathered them both into my metallic bowl, admiring my neighbor, who was preparing her own meal on the grill just beside me. I decided to channel Cafe Gratitude in San Francisco and make some sort of vegetable bowl.

In the mix: olive oil for healthy fats, the chard, beans, and some smoked almonds. I also used an all-purpose seasoning (was feeling lazy) and a few pinches of cumin. On the side, I cooked up a cook of couscous and added that to the pan toward the end. For protein, I cooked a Jennie O Turkey burger, slicing up half of it into bite-sized pieces. I’m trying to be more conscious of my protein intake these days.

A meal for me. A lunch for the next day. The night progressed from home cooking to a long walk by the Pittsburgh rivers and an eventual grocery store run for fruit. I made myself a fruit and yogurt parfait, eating while I read a new book.

See what I mean about falling in love? Sometimes, there is no better way to spend an evening than completely alone.

The garden may or may not be saving my life right now. For the first time in months, I got into my kitchen to do some baking last night. All thanks to one ready-to-be-picked zucchini.

I don’t remember the last time I stayed in on a Saturday, by myself. I haven’t been feeling well lately, and I knew that if I went out – I’d just end up feeling miserable today. So, I took myself on a solo date, at home. This included: cooking myself dinner, baking, laundry (ugh, necessary), and watching a terrible rom-com that no one would want to watch with me. Thankfully, The Vow lived up to my lower expectations.

Cat had mentioned that some items in the garden looked ready for picking. I found myself putzing around the backyard last night, checking on some of the plants. This zucchini must have grown three times in the past week as last Sunday, it was just a little baby. I immediately consulted the Smitten Kitten for a Zucchini Bread recipe. This one was perfect. No butter. I reduced the amount of sugar. Delightful.

I hope my coworkers are ready for a boatload of zucchini bread this summer.

I feel so remarkably better today. I hope you do, too.

I am coming around. Today, I feel like lifting off this gloomy layer and stepping into another. It’s ironic, considering the Pittsburgh weather.

The past several months have been a bit of a whirlwind, and I now find myself an independent lady once more. I’ve thought of how to address this via blog for quite some time, ultimately deciding just a sentence would do. You get the point, I think. And I’m sure you know I don’t feel like talking about it.

The interesting thing about spending so much time with another person is that after it’s ended you forget how to spend time alone. What a Friday night feels like with no plans. What Sunday breakfasts are like when they’re alone. What a summer with yourself can create.

I’ve routinely engaged in a number of hobbies and interests, but none of them fit quite right at the moment. My stained glass class ended. The softball season is coming to a close. The half marathon came and went. And it just feels too hot for the kitchen. I haven’t known what to do with myself.

And I haven’t been doing a whole lot in terms of creation. Instead, I’ve reverted to my natural Rose ways and returned to sociability. Recently: I went to both Avenue B and Root 174. I saw Andrew Bird. I discovered the Pillow Project, an event incorporating improvisational dance and “honest, jazzed expressions of the spontaneous moment.” It was probably one of the coolest things I’ve seen all summer.

Amidst the social activity has been short bouts of relaxation. Watching lots of Gossip Girl. Porch sitting with the roommate and a friend. Reading (on very brief occasions). Spending nights going to bed very early.

Despite all the present upheaval and future change, I’m still the same me that I was before. Maybe a little weakened, but my resolve is present. I fully intend on resuming my projects: visiting a restaurant, having an adventure, and making a craft each month. I hope to put more miles on these shoes. And I want to continue being a healthier, happier me through diet, exercise, and meditation.

I haven’t really taken many photos this summer, so my album has fallen by the wayside. But I do have one. My hair is getting longer, so that’s something. And I still love me some wine. I guess this is all I’ve got to show for now:

I am breaking my blog silence for an important reason: music.

I’ve found my soul healing through violin strings, the tapping of feet, and complete immersion into new tunes. These days, I am anticipating two weekend concerts and, admittedly, one more than the other. Though both will be quite lovely.

You see, I’ve always had this thing with Andrew Bird. His music was always wrapped up in all these emotions for me. I know you know the feeling. That song that reminds you of that time – and oh, that time? You just want to forget it already. My aversion to Bird was so bad at one point that I’d ask my roommate to turn it off completely if his songs were playing. I’ve donned more than one grimace in his direction.

But you know – there’s a very valuable lesson in  reinvention. When you change your perspective, even very slightly, it’s amazing the different sounds you can hear in a song. Likewise, it’s unbelievable the melodies one can feel when engaging with something entirely new.

I’ve listened to nothing else but old (and new) Bird for the past two days at work. And I’m starting to love on him just a bit. It’s amazing what happens with this re-emersion process. I feel re-born into a new world, free from that rubbish that held me back from him in the past.

I think I’ve needed to change my perspective for quite a while. Probably on a lot of things. Piece by piece, day by day.

For now, I leave you with this beautiful diddy:

[Thank you all for your well wishes. I am recovering from personal matters, and I don't care to share them just yet. Heart hurting kinds of stuff. You get the picture. I will be okay. ]