Bind & CrEATe

Last week I did a lot of thinking at the beach. It was the kind of trip where I felt alone–though constantly surrounded by others. I’m a fan of quiet people watching, daydreaming, and imaging possible what-if scenarios. This by no means discredits my present life, however.

The beach was full of its own ups and downs, like any trip. My moods followed suit.  I felt extremely low during one night. Like I was suffocating. Like I had no real voice anymore. That not only was I not making an impact on anyone’s life – but I wasn’t even making an impact on my own. As if I had lost focus. Let go of goals. Gained weight. Gotten weak. Become a mediocre person.

The weather matched me that night.

I’ve been ruminating on the idea of “early age success.” How disappointing it can feel later, once it’s gone. Though I’ve never been “uber successful,” I had a really big high point at one stage. Everything seemed to flow in the right direction. I couldn’t think of a thing that could make it better. In essence, I was doing everything in “the right order” my father always preached about.

On my trip, I realized that I hadn’t felt that way in a number of years. Admittedly, I’ve let certain parts of myself go. I’ve left passions go by the wayside. I’ve had moments of laziness and un-inspiration. I think every human goes through this type of lull at one point or another. But how long should the lull last? And how can you get out of it?

I’ve learned the hard way that you can never recreate an old life. The universe doesn’t allow for it. You can never go back to that space, no matter how good it felt. You only have this space, right now. You can tap into old past times and hobbies. But you will never feel that exact same way again – because you’re older and your brain has stored more information about your life puzzle.

I can’t tell you how long it’s taken me to figure this out.

Eventually, my mood lifted while at the beach, like it always does. In a much brighter way.

I have no idea how I am going to spend this life. I have no idea who I will meet, how I will impact them, or what my work will say about me. But I now know that every day is a new one. And there are brighter moments ahead, even after a sad-filled summer. Maybe this Fall will bring the newness I so desire. Or at least remind me of why I’m sticking around this space for a while.

I used to be terrified of thunder. One time, around my 10th birthday, I was trapped at my Aunt’s house during a thunderstorm. I was staying with my grandparents just down the way, and had gone up the street to visit my cousins. In my youth, I was almost always staying with my grandparents for clips at a time. It’s where I first learned the word staycation. 

I remember there being this urgent need to return to my grandmother. Perhaps I was an anxious kid. Or my Dad was coming to get me. Either way, I knew I had to run from house to house in the rain, and it had to happen right then.

I was pretty overweight back then, so the entire thing was pretty daunting. I remember running as fast my body could move me. I lost a shoe to mud, and I didn’t look back. I continued running, my white sock turning a dark brown by the end. I never saw that shoe again. When my grandmother saw me, she told me to take those muddy clothes off. I spent the night washing my socks on a scrub board until they were at least an off-white.

Last night, we had a powerful rain in Pittsburgh. But I didn’t run anywhere. Instead, I spent the evening in the kitchen, baking one giant loaf and one mini loaf of zucchini bread.

I’m not as scared of thunder anymore. In fact, I usually find myself on the front porch. Maybe the patience thing is working. Maybe I’m settling into it. I don’t feel as afraid of the unknown as I used to feel. For once, I feel confident.