It’s even more beautiful in person: spirals of gold mixed with a light green. Perfect for a summer wedding (it would have been a hit at the wedding I attended Saturday). But now, what to do with it? I’ve finished two of the three wedding guest books I’m working on for the calendar year, so I’m thinking I need to do something different.

I’ve been wanting to experiment more with screw-post binding, so maybe I can create a book with using this paper. However, my books always need homes; I do my best work when creating for others. But this paper hasn’t yet been assigned. I suppose I’ll wait until it speaks to me. After all, books are born from unexpected conversations, meetings, and encounters.

Any ideas how I can use this paper?

I’ve been feeling off this week. Blame it on hormones, the weather, a not-so-interesting week at work… I’m not sure. But things feel undone at the moment. Even though these great and wonderful things are happening, I don’t feel quite fulfilled. And I’ve been seeking out a change of some kind.

I’ve noticed this trend throughout the course of my life. Most everything is not yet done. I always feel there is progress to be made, whether it’s on a particular project, my self, my job, my life. Sometimes I wonder if I can ever just be satisfied. Just content in a given moment.

Those times have happened. There are instances when I realize how fulfilling the life is that I’ve built. Or when I get good news about a freelance project, or a new opportunity – those times feel good. It’s just those days in between. The Wednesday nights when I am home and exhausted after a softball game, with nothing left to do but watch “Chopped” on the Food Network. The Friday nights where I have nothing on the agenda. The day that I have great news, and no one to share it with in person.

I tell myself that these days are few. Eventually, down the road, they will be filled with a laundry list of tasks I can’t even fathom. I imagine looking back on this time in my 20s and thinking, “Those were the days. Free of responsibility.” Because while I am an adult, – and while I pay my own bills, work my ass off, and all of that – the days, right now, are not too big of a challenge. I am not caring for another human being. I’m not responsible for anyone’s well-being. It’s just me here. There is no one around to care if I succeed or if I fail. It’s just me and this world, for better or worse.

I wish there was a book written about this time of life. That space in between being an entry-level worker and a higher-up. The space between single and married. The space between 25 and 30. Cause honestly, it’s a very strange place to be. But I’m glad I’m working through it.

That fortitude. It comes back around every time.

I am monitoring how I feel in my clothing and checking in with the scale only once a week. This is hard for me. As a once obsessive exerciser, I used to weigh myself daily. That can be agonizing. The weekly rule, which WW most certainly follows, is a good one. And after one week of eating clean, I lost 2 pounds.

Me at Color Me Rad in Pittsburgh, June 9

The hardest part of the challenge for me, by far, has been the alcohol. I’m not a booze hound by any means, but I do like a glass or two of wine on the weekends. I typically have one with a meal on Friday and Saturday nights. Since we only get one “cheat meal” per week, I have to strategize when that will be. Last weekend and this weekend, I have Saturday evening weddings, so I am using my cheat meal during those times. Needless to say, that glass of wine was divine.

The only other struggle I’m having is with sweets. I’m an avid fan of ice cream. I regularly have dessert, and I’ve had to put that to a stop. Instead, when I’m craving something sweet, I go for watermelon or a homemade banana cookie. It doesn’t taste quite the same, but it does the trick.

What I’ve loved most about this challenge is the whole foods I’m consuming. I’m making much healthier choices every day and really thinking about what I put into my body. This gives me hope that this could be not only a monthly challenge but an entire overhaul on the way I eat, exercise, and think about my health.

Here’s to Week 2, which is – so far – going off without a hitch!

I decided to participate in an Clean Eats Challenge with my in-real-life Beach Body Coach. I’ve been attending Kam Jamz classes for two years and buy my Shakeology through Kam. This month, she’s hosting a Clean Eats Challenge with those who participate in her classes. The rules are what you’d imagine: no processed foods or sugars but instead 5-6 mini meals that include fruits, vegetables, and lean proteins. We work out 6 days a week and drink green tea with lemon each morning.

Surprisingly, the challenge hasn’t been challenging just yet. More than anything, it just requires a lot of planning. For example, last night I had a hip hop class until 8 p.m. but had to pick someone up at 9 p.m. Instead of grabbing a burrito bowl at Chipotle, I made my own version using farro, beans, peas, and edamame.

Keeping the refrigerator stocked with the good stuff is also key. My dad spent the night on Sunday, and I was embarassed by the lack of options for him in the fridge. I remedied that quickly with a trip to Trader Joe’s the following day. All fruits and veg, all of the time (and now the boyfriend won’t go hungry either).

In addition to the prep, it’s all about getting into a routine and rhythm. Eating 5 or 6 meals a day is a new concept to me. I don’t think I’ve ever quite done it successfully in the past. So, I started by putting reminders in my phone to eat. It’s more of a schedule than anything because, believe me, I don’t forget meal times. In particular, snacks – like a handful of almonds – have been seeing me through.

This challenge seems to work well for my lifestyle because 1. I love to eat and 2. I love to feel energized through food. Who wouldn’t? While it’s only been three days on track, I can already feel its effects. I am more alert throughout the day and longer. I get through my workouts a little easier (it helps not being hungry). I feel as though my metabolism is running from the time I drink my morning shake until I lie down at night.

While I am not doing this challenge to lose weight specifically, that would be a nice benefit. Even more so would be a transformation of my relationship with food. It’d be great to know what to eat, when to eat it, and how it will affect me. It will feel good to be lean, toned, and strong. I look forward to sharing this journey with you all via blog. We’ll see what comes of this new change!

The only vegetables not doing so hot in the garden right now are the beets, which have completely bit the dust. I was only about to transfer two vegetables from my indoor containers: beets and tomatoes. The rest didn’t make it, and the beets still aren’t cutting it. I wonder where I went wrong?

Nevertheless, here is the status of the garden: one month in. The carrots are sticking their necks out already:

I am more than excited about this bed dedicated to romaine lettuce. Many salads will be made with these! My neighbors are regular salad eaters, so I know they’ll be excited to partake in these, too. I can’t wait to see this entire bed in bloom.

The green beans are kicking it in their normal spot. These beans are always so reliable. Though I wish I’d planted some purple beans this year, simply for the fun coloring.

Only one row of zucchini this year. We’ve learned our lesson from years past. This vegetable grows better than any other in the garden, which is wonderful, but you can only make so many loaves of zucchini bread. I think this amount of gourds will be just right.

And, one of my personal favorites: cucumbers. You can never go wrong with cukes. They are delicious in summer salads and perfect for pickling. This year I intend on pickling many of these, not letting one go to waste. There is nothing better than a homemade pickle!

On the side, in the herb planters, is swiss chard, another garden favorite around here. These are perfect in pasta dishes mixed with the green beans.

I can’t wait to see this garden around two months in. With any luck, I’ll be eating lots of salads and enjoying the “free” grub from the land.

[Not featured: tomatoes. They are doing fine but I forgot to snag a photo!]

Although this book looks very simple, it took hours of precision and focus. I’d started the project one evening and made pretty significant headway. I was feeling good. After all, I’d blocked off the entire weekend to work on this, even turning down an invitation to read at a literary event. The process (and money) would be worth it.

I hit a pretty serious snag on Friday afternoon. I got home from work, jazzed and ready to spend the next five hours in my “studio.” I began trimming the page edges, something I’ve only done a few times before and generally on paper thicker than card stock. The longer I trimmed with the Exact-o knife, the messier it got. I kept inadvertently cutting too far into my pages, taking the 10″ length down to 9.75″. I swear that I was working slowly, yet these mistakes still happened. Sometimes, even the most planned projects can go awry.

I had a breakdown. I swore and cried. I sat on the floor and contemplated quitting altogether. I wasn’t sure what to do: keep trimming and hope for the best? Try and find a heavy machine that could trim these down no swear (but where?) Or start all over again?

And so, I started over. I cut all those pages again and sewed them together. That sentence makes the process sound simple, but to do this well, one must be careful. I spent nearly three hours doing the same first part over again.

In the end, that move made all of the difference. I didn’t trim the edge pages and instead let them go, a style that I honestly prefer anyway. I spent the bulk of Saturday finishing up with the Japanese raw silk and the boards, feeling mighty proud of the finished product.

I share these snags on this space because I can. I want to admit to challenges.

Not every piece of art can be perfect. It wouldn’t be art that way. I share these struggles because I think it’s human to err and try again. And at the end of the day, I believe it is in the moments like these, when my face is tear-stained and I’m ready to give up, that I start to understand myself a little better. That I learn about what challenges me and more importantly – how to fix them.

It’s funny. It’s hard to write this in a way that makes sense, but did you ever feel like you weren’t going anywhere at all? The all-too-familiar life on a hamster wheel cliche? I never really felt that I was “spinning in circles” but more that I wasn’t spinning anywhere. Like my legs got too tired. Or I was distracted by complacency. When I first moved to Pittsburgh, I felt enthusiastic about the possibilities. Then, there was a year or so of just… not much. I just gave up trying, I suppose. I didn’t start anything new, and I got stuck into a rut-filled pattern of not producing really anything I was proud about.

It seems that’s being lifted now. I am starting to feel like I used to when I was fulfilled and engaged. And in order to feel this way, I had to have a little fortitude – having strength through challenges. I had to believe in myself and say yes to new projects. I am saying yes to new opportunities and goals. And more importantly, I had to do. As Pittsburgher Rick Sebak said once: the prize is really in the doing.

So that’s what I’m busy with. Eventually I’ll reveal more details about the different things I’m embarking on, especially as they are more settled. But I feel so wonderful with where my life is at right now. It’s been such a journey, and I am constantly surprised by the ebbs and flows this life brings me. But ultimately, I am happy with where it’s going.

I have yet to sort through all my photos, but this one stands out most to me. On our last day in Maine, we walked to the Rockland Breakwater Light House. You can only reach this lighthouse by walking on rocks a mile long. Needless to say, the walk encourages precise stepping.

It’s quite a thing, to be surrounded on both sides by water. To walk out to a little house in the middle of the ocean. To step upon something that took two decades to build. To be able to say, I was there.

This was a pensive kind of walk, too. The kind that reminds you that you are just one small thing in the scheme of this great big earth. But that doesn’t negate the steps or the path you make. It just makes you appreciate it a bit more.

I’ve spent the past two years in therapy figuring out where that comes from. But even knowing the answer doesn’t make it go away. Just when I start feeling confident, I knock myself down a peg. Maybe it’s to keep me balanced, avoid getting a big head. But sometimes that negative nance is too close. And I’d like her to leave.

This week I was sought out by a high-profile client for my bookbinding services. The experience would be incredible, and I’d get to work with such precision under a tight deadline. Of course, with negative nance right there, I thought about declining, offering up the project to another bookbinder. Quite frankly, I didn’t feel good enough. My skills felt outdated. And even though I’m working my way toward more serious bookbinding again, I just plain felt scared.

It took an entire night of thought to decide what to do. I leaned upon others, as always, and that seemed to spark a lot of confidence. I thought about that little word: fortitude. That means going through hard times with courage. Learning new skills? Hard. Working with a high-profile client? Hard. Meeting a 5-day deadline? Even harder.

But if I’m following that word, then I have to have courage. And if I have that courage in my pocket, instead of that dreadful nance, then I’m more likely to come out with a successful product. And so that is what I’m going to do. I’m going to make that book, and I’m going to show it to all of you. And I have no doubt that I’ll be proud – and happy that I said yes.

We planned this, months ago, because it’s a place we’ve never been and the rates were good. We’ll be spending half of our time in Portland, and the other half in Rockland. We have different activities in mind (Acadia National Park, for one), and last night we booked reservations for three different restaurants in town.

Of course, I’m going for the food.

We’ll be dining at Five Fifty-Five our first night in town. This place looks swanky and has a nice wine selection.

Our second night, we’re going to check out Street and Company, which has been deemed as Portland’s best place to get seafood. That dinner is set for 9 p.m., so let’s pray I don’t old-lady it up and fall asleep beforehand.

We’ll be ending our week in Rockland, and so, we’re going out with a bang at Francine Bistro. This place, quite simply, looks off the chain delicious.

And so, I’ll be returning to Pittsburgh in a week with many reviews to share – and probably 5 additional pounds added to my weight.

Stay tuned.